Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I crossed the line and shared too much... Talking to God... Letting go of the pressure!

I was having a discussion the other day about hurtful feelings and would like to talk about this a little in my blog.

As many of my friends and family believe it is important that we talk to God (our Heavenly Father) regularly.  Praying and talking to God I believe is a critical part of our closeness to our Father in Heaven, and leads to a closer relationship with our Savior as well.  This is especially true as we seek forgiveness.

I would like to focus this on a specific object of Prayer however, and that is overcoming the hurtful and harmful feelings that so many let build up inside. 

As I have hinted to I really struggled with holding everything in for multiple years of my life.  This led as it does to most to explosions and some of these were very nasty. 

There were multiple experiences of which I have long since let go and resolved, but which make a great teaching tool for this purpose.

When I was a teenager, as I hinted in my last blog this went to extremes.  I did everything from throwing my bed out of my second story window to jump out and run away, to throwing a TV down the stairs at my mother, to bashing down the walls of our home, and breaking down fences, and even at one point holding my neighbors at gun point until the police arrived.  I was literally out of control.

I spent far more time with my girlfriend at 12-13 years old then I did with my family, and made most of the mistakes the world is beginning to see as common place.

I don't share this to paint a terrible picture of myself, those that know me will likely even find these hard to believe.  That being said I spent a portion of my youth in detention and eventually ended up in states custody from the time I was 13 until I was 18.  At the age of 16 I was as far from any religion as most could imagine.  I was pretty hardcore into more than I will disclose at this time in my blog.  At this point in my life I wanted friends, and started to search for a way out of the foster home I was living in.  My story branches two ways at this point.  I have my conversion story (how I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), and the story I am following.

This story deals with the therapy of which I spent years going through, and the heartache I faced as I learned to deal with my negative emotions. 

Because the LDS church ties into so many aspects of the changes that occurred in my life it is impossible to leave them out of the story, but they are not the key aspect at this point. 

The true story I wish to tell is how I used to bottle up my feelings, and hold them until I exploded.  I then dealt with these in a few ways.  The most productive, though I now know it to be harmful to self, relationships, viewpoints, and much more was masturbation, or other sexual relationships.  The other way has been pointed out previously and that was violence, or anger.  Both habits came from what had happened to me in my youth and things I had dealt with as a child, and I felt they were how you showed people what was going on in your life.  I knew they were wrong, but it simply got to the point where I lost control or just didn't care.

The thing I learned from therapy that I wish to share at this time is that there are ways to vent, and to appropriately do so.  I found that for me talking through my feelings was critical.  This doesn't work for everybody, and I know this.  For me this was critical though, it is part of the reason I am as open as I am with my life and with others when they talk to me.

I also learned early on that there are things you just don't talk to people about, I have crossed that line in this blog.  I did so intentionally!  That is for the purpose of  allowing others to grow and to know that people really do change.  Also to give hope to those that are struggling and to leave an accurate record of my life for my posterity. 

Because I learned not to share much of this time of my life, I couldn't really talk to hardly anyone.  My release valve was stifled if not killed in many cases...

I had always known I could talk to God, and that he cared, this communication became the life blood that held me together and allowed me to cope.  I knew He already knew all of my problems, and still loved me.  I also knew He wanted to stand by me and fill this role.  Had I relied on the world things would have been vastly different.

My relationship with God since this time has grown to one where he is my most trusted friend, my Savior is likewise one I talk to often.  My wife is another I can share everything about me with.  They have been with me through the struggles I otherwise could never have faced.  These relationships are built by complete openness, by experiences that I will likely never share on this blog.  The one thing I will share is an adamant testimony that Christ lives, that God loves us; each and everyone of us no matter who we are or what we have done.  As those of you that follow me know they have literally saved my life in many instances, far more than I have written. 

I have veered off from my story, but this is part of who I am, and to understand what the communication means to me others must understand the relationship. 

The purpose of this post is for my family and others, for my posterity to know that they don't need to hold their strugglings, trials or other cases for frustration inside.  That letting go of what is bothering you is one of the blessings Heavenly Father offers us through the atonement of Christ.  We can find relief and our burdens are truly made light if we will place them in the arms of those we love and trust.

I want others to know I don't care if this goes viral, I have had my juvenile records expunged.  I have changed my life in more ways than any reading this will ever understand.  I have been blessed to love writing, and also to have strong connections with my family both those on this earth and not.  The world can attempt to dig up what they will against me in this, but I have a clear conscience before God and man and will gladly take the risk of the world thinking what it will if my words help even one person.

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