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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Recognizing the strugglings of my parents

Montana with family from Pinesdale - trip where we almost slid over a cliff (first remembered near death experience), and hit a bird while driving.  Can also discuss time while living in Montana.

Since I already talked about the near death experience in an earlier post, I will focus this post on time with family in Montana and some of the reasons we were there.

First off this is during some of my older memories. There are many memories of this time of my life since I was an older child and since this was a longer period at least a few months.  Listed below are some of the memories.  I could probably expound on some of these, but will not for the sake of time.
  • Going to the river to swim (happened in one of the larger cities not in Pinesdale). 
  • Driving for the first time I believe I was 8 or 9
  • Being around the pond where my uncle drowned from a cramp (I have been told he was a professional swimmer)
  • Visiting family and one of my brothers falling into a cactus
  • Going to church with above mentioned family (not members of AUB - Apostolic United Brethren)
  • Rubber band guns and other games
  • The large rope swing that swung over a gorge in the canyon
  • Church meetings with the AUB church
  • Gathering pine nuts and cutting down trees
  • Living with an aunt and playing the Sega Genesis
  • Hanging out with cousins
The above listed memories are some of the strongest memories of the time spent there.  While talking to my father and mother part of the reason we were there was to try to save my parents marriage.  To be discreet, and not harm either of my parents names there were issues of infidelity and other struggles that had been an issue, and to be fair I believe both were trying to the best of their abilities to do what they felt was right.

They did an excellent job of hiding this for the most part.  I do remember some of the items being discussed and looking back at my life and wondering about myself and what I could do to help my parents.  I don't remember blaming myself for their struggles, but I do remember the hurt I felt, seeing the damage the actions had taken on our family.  I was aware of some of the hurt and pain they were going through as well, and now it is even more difficult looking back, knowing the changes and things that have taken place in multiple lives.  I know erasing these kinds of feelings are a huge part of the atonement the Savior suffered for us.  I learned this much later in life though.

When they got divorced it was a terrible time in my life and changed the way I handled many things for many years.  However most of this starts to touch on my teen years and how they impacted my life and will be covered later.

Most of my memories of this time are good.  I remember we went around and worked a lot selling tupper-ware.  We would go to places and my mom would do tupper-ware parties and we would travel with her sometimes staying in campgrounds or with family so we could be together as a family.  I remember traveling to many cities not just in Montana, but also in Idaho and surrounding areas

The memories are interesting as I think back on this and view it from both angles.  especially as I put together the things that happened chronologically.  Unfortunately I cannot describe nor put these into words in the short time I have to work on this blog entry.  So once I finish summing up portions of my life I will hopefully be able to put into words some of the things that currently are in my mind and place them in a biography book form that will be much more enjoyable for those around me.

I will wrap up these memories by saying that the lives and struggles of those around me, and my decision for the most part to handle those with love and understanding rather than, anger and bitterness (my teen and young adult years being the exception for the most part).  Have shaped me and caused me great joy.  Although the situations are never easy the relationships and happiness they brought have been beyond measure.  These sentiments will make far more sense as I expound on the many thoughts that race through my mind.  I will simply say that these situations have taught me to see those that are around me in a far different light then I would have otherwise seen them.

I wish I could say that I usually learned from the strugglings and trials of others, but I have in my mind many experiences where my failings and imperfections caused struggles.  Some of these I only hope I can fix while in this life, and others have been long since resolved.  I will open myself as much as possible to let my posterity know me, and to help them and any others possible.  My hope is that they can learn from my life and not have to struggle through the things I have.  That being said I know that the struggles we face make a person who they become based on their choices.

I am aware that being so open leaves me at the discretion of the world to be judged, They will likely open and shut some doors.  Because of this alone there are some things that I will not disclose.  This is more for the protection of those around me than for myself.  There are also some things I will never disclose unless commanded to do so by God, because they are sacred and I have been commanded not to disclose them.

I hope that each of my posts can open a part of me that helps someone else grow and know me better.  These posts help me as well, because I start to realize as I write more the impact of my youth.  I also hope that each invites the good feelings of the Holy Ghost to touch and lift others.

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